Have you purchased your books yet? Are you reading along? I hope so! I am excited about this book, and at the same time I am convicted because I know I don't always handle my "stuff" right, but hey, we'll handle it together, right?
As I read through chapter one though, I found myself wanting a little more transparency from the authors. Mutual colleagues for years they suddenly found themselves working closely together, and while they respected one another and were excited to begin their work together, they each possessed different gifts and abilities and that caused them to approach their tasks differently. Previously these two leaders had only known each other from a distance and while they shared the same vision, the paths they were taking to get there didn't quite look the same, and this caused their very different personalities to rub against each other which created friction, which then created a perfect atmosphere for sin, weakness and failure to blossom. The authors admit that it wasn't long before 'major misunderstandings began to get in the way of our mutual appreciation--and the work God had brought us together to do.' I would have liked an example of one of those major misunderstandings and how they overcame it.
I chose to go through this book on the blog because I am always and forever trying to improve my relationships.
In chapter two the authors say, "Even in times of peace, you must be vigilant regarding the way your relationships can be hijacked by the underlying desires of your hearts, which are subtly and constantly shifting." Can I get an "Amen"?
I recently saw a post on a social media site that said, "Set a course in the direction that your heart commands and it will lead the way to God, follow it (presumably your heart) and you will always be on the right path."
See, Scripture tells us just the opposite, it tells us that our hearts are deceitful, exceedingly perverse, corrupt and severely, and mortally sick and asks the question who can know and perceive, understand or be acquainted with his own mind? The answer is found in the following verse (Jeremiah 17:10) "I the Lord search the mind, I try the heart, even to give to every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings." So, instead of following our hearts, which always gets us in trouble, let's seek God first, as Matthew 6:33 says "aim at, strive after first of all His kingdom and His righteousness, then ALL these things taken together will be given to you besides"
In chapter two the authors say, "Even in times of peace, you must be vigilant regarding the way your relationships can be hijacked by the underlying desires of your hearts, which are subtly and constantly shifting." Can I get an "Amen"?
I recently saw a post on a social media site that said, "Set a course in the direction that your heart commands and it will lead the way to God, follow it (presumably your heart) and you will always be on the right path."
See, Scripture tells us just the opposite, it tells us that our hearts are deceitful, exceedingly perverse, corrupt and severely, and mortally sick and asks the question who can know and perceive, understand or be acquainted with his own mind? The answer is found in the following verse (Jeremiah 17:10) "I the Lord search the mind, I try the heart, even to give to every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings." So, instead of following our hearts, which always gets us in trouble, let's seek God first, as Matthew 6:33 says "aim at, strive after first of all His kingdom and His righteousness, then ALL these things taken together will be given to you besides"
The authors opened up chapter two with some provocative quotes, things that you might have said or have said to you, see if any of them sound familiar to you:
"I had such high hopes for our friendship. What went wrong? I thought I had FINALLY found someone I could trust"
"I can't believe you are questioning my integrity after all the things I have done for you. It's not like I am the ONLY one who has failed in this relationship. You've hurt me too."
"You see? This is what you ALWAYS do. I come to you and you turn the table on me. You are so good at making other people feel guilty for your failures! The problem with YOU is that you are much better at recognizing other people's faults than your own. You don't have a CLUE how much you've hurt me. You betrayed our trust when you told THEM what I said."
"I can't believe you are questioning my integrity after all the things I have done for you. It's not like I am the ONLY one who has failed in this relationship. You've hurt me too."
"You see? This is what you ALWAYS do. I come to you and you turn the table on me. You are so good at making other people feel guilty for your failures! The problem with YOU is that you are much better at recognizing other people's faults than your own. You don't have a CLUE how much you've hurt me. You betrayed our trust when you told THEM what I said."
"You see, that's the problem. You ALWAYS act like you are more committed to this relationship than I am. So you watch me like a hawk, just waiting to POUNCE on any hint of failure."
Now for some contrast:
"I can't believe you would DO such a thing for ME! It is SO encouraging that I did not have to go through this alone."
"Yeah, when we first met? Neither one of us had any idea what God would DO through our friendship."
"What I appreciate is that while it hasn't always been easy, you have been COMMITTED to dealing with our problems and disagreements in a constructive way. Your honesty is refreshing."
The words above show the contrast between the words that we speak to each other in our relationships and how those words reveal relationships that are painful and disappointing or mutually edifying and encouraging. Our natural tendency is to isolate ourselves after a painful relationship break.
A broken friendship, a divorce, a family separation, any one of those breaks could cause us to withdraw into ourselves and claim "we don't need anyone" (trust me I am the QUEEN of this statement) but we were MADE for relationships.
W-A-Y back in Genesis God said, 'it is not good that the man should be alone' but the authors point out that this has MORE to do with God's design for humanity than Adam's neediness. Many people when discussing this passage focus on Adam's loneliness, what they fail to realize is that Adam and Eve were created to enjoy a vertical relationship with God which would provide the foundation for the horizontal relationship they would have with each other.
Now for some contrast:
"I can't believe you would DO such a thing for ME! It is SO encouraging that I did not have to go through this alone."
"Yeah, when we first met? Neither one of us had any idea what God would DO through our friendship."
"What I appreciate is that while it hasn't always been easy, you have been COMMITTED to dealing with our problems and disagreements in a constructive way. Your honesty is refreshing."
The words above show the contrast between the words that we speak to each other in our relationships and how those words reveal relationships that are painful and disappointing or mutually edifying and encouraging. Our natural tendency is to isolate ourselves after a painful relationship break.
A broken friendship, a divorce, a family separation, any one of those breaks could cause us to withdraw into ourselves and claim "we don't need anyone" (trust me I am the QUEEN of this statement) but we were MADE for relationships.
W-A-Y back in Genesis God said, 'it is not good that the man should be alone' but the authors point out that this has MORE to do with God's design for humanity than Adam's neediness. Many people when discussing this passage focus on Adam's loneliness, what they fail to realize is that Adam and Eve were created to enjoy a vertical relationship with God which would provide the foundation for the horizontal relationship they would have with each other.
While we were created to enjoy a relationship with God we have to deal with the realization that we do not dwell in the perfection of that garden anymore. The relationship that Adam and Eve enjoyed with God and each other (brief as it was) was forever marred when Eve reached out her hand and plucked the fruit from the tree and gave some to her husband who was with her. From that point on sin entered relationships, and the evidence is seen when God confronts them about what they have done when they begin to make excuses for their behavior and slander the very God who gave them life.
When there is a break in a relationship, we tend to behave in a couple of ways:
we either (a.withdraw and decide we never needed that person in our lives anyway or (b. do anything we can to keep that person in our lives.
In case you were wondering both of these are extreme examples, and there IS a balance to be had.
We tend to treat our relationships as the primary "thing" in our lives. The authors say, "...in our sin we tend to treat people and creation as more important. The very things God created to reveal His glory become instead the glory we desire."
C. S. Lewis said it a different way, he said, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he can not imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
What the authors gleaned from another C.S.Lewis quote is this:
EVERY painful thing we experience is designed to remind us of our need of Him, and EVERY good thing is designed to be a metaphor of what can only be found in Him, but of course C.S. Lewis said it better:
"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased."
But we are fallen sinful creatures and we do NOT put first things first, we are always putting other things in the seat of the throne of our hearts, and the authors point out this is why we struggle with:
*letting go of a moment of hurt
*getting angry when a teenager complicates our lives
*becoming defensive when challenged
*avoiding conflict when challenged
*being too political at work
*being resigned to broken relationships that could be healed
*gossiping about people
*lying out of fear what others will think
*compromising our convictions to win others approval
*pursuing comfortable relationships and avoiding difficult ones
*doubting God when relationships are messy
*envying other people's friendships
*controlling relationships out of a desire for security
*blowing up at people when our agendas are trampled
*living in bitter isolation in the face of disappointment
Proverbs 18:1 tells us that, "He who willfully separates himself and estranges himself from God and man seeks is own desire and breaks out against all wise and sound judgment."
The authors ask these questions:
How do you deal with relational disappointments? Do you blame, deny, run away, avoid, threaten, and manipulate? Or do you speak truth, exhibit patience, approach people gently, ask for and grant forgiveness, overlook minor offences, encourage and honor others? These questions touch us where we live day to day. True Christian maturity does not get any more practical or concrete.
As we take this journey together, I pray that you will honestly look at your relationships, as I will be doing mine. I have to admit, though, that if I am to answer the above questions honestly, I do have a tendency to deny and run away, but I also speak the truth (sometimes a bit harshly) I do exhibit patience much more now than I did when I was younger, I am more apt to approach people gently than I was years ago, and I do ask for and grant forgiveness, and I do overlook minor offences, I have also encouraged and honored others.
Sanctification takes time, and I can see the work that's being done in me as I look back, but Scripture reminds me to press on, or as Paul said in Philippians 3
"I do not consider brethren, that I have captured and made it my own [yet]; but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward."
Press On Ya'll
XOXO
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