He was mortified of course, but he realized that night that he had hit the wall in the reality of relationships in a fallen world.
I have often been asked in the twenty-five years I have been married to my own sweet husband, have you ever felt like you didn't love him any more? My honest response has been (and if you ask him he will respond similarly) OF COURSE, there have been times I have not liked him very much, or even thought I HATED him, but those are just passing feelings, love is not a feeling, it is a commitment.
Elisabeth Elliott wrote to her daughter Valerie in the book "Let Me be a Woman", "You marry a sinner. There simply isn't anything else to marry. So the husband sins against the wives, and wives, let us not forget, he, too, married a sinner. If he sins in being thoughtless and my reaction is sinful, two wrongs don't make a right. Most questions about relationships can be answered quite simply if we ask ourselves this question: what does love do?"
We live somewhere between these two extremes, self-protective isolation and the dream for meaningful relationships.The authors ask the questions, where are you on this continuum? Are you moving away from others because of a recent hurt or are you seeking others because you have been alone too long? Remember, we (because of our sin) are tempted to make relationships MORE than what they were intended to be. There are two extremes the authors identified, and while many of us don't live at either of these extremes, we do tend to move toward one or the other in every single one of our relationships. The first is:
I WANT TO BE SAFE (Isolation)
and the other extreme is:
I NEED YOU IN ORDER TO LIVE (Immersion)
The authors narrowed it down to three different types of relationship profiles:
The Frustrated Relationship
Both people in the relationship are moving towards the opposite ends of the continuum.
Example: This couple are planning a vacation together, one is packing books, the other is filling their schedule with activities to do together. One will feel smothered, the other will feel neglected. Both will have their expectations frustrated, each one thinks their felt needs are important which leads to anger and possibly bitterness...
The Enmeshed Relationship
Both people in the relationship are moving toward immersion.
Example: This couple takes a vacation together but doesn't interact with anyone on the trip. They don't meet anyone new, they spend every waking moment together. They are completely dependent on each other for their happiness and well being. Much of their energy is spent dealing with minor offences, real or perceived and because their expectations can never be completely fulfilled in each other they feel discouraged because no matter how hard they try they can never measure up to the other persons expectations.
The Isolated Relationship
Both people in the relationship move toward isolation.
Example: This couple vacations together but separate. They would each read different books, possible plan separate excursions, and when they did come together there would be very little conversation. Their desire for isolation crashes into their desire for relationship which makes their relationship empty and disappointing.
My sister has a saying she is constantly quoting: Expectations minus reality equals disappointment
Our expectations are too high. We expect mere men to fill what I always call the God shaped hole in us. We fill that hole with relationships (mostly) but people have been plugging that hole with all kinds of things for years. Nothing fits, only God.
The authors ask you (and me) to ask these questions when evaluating our relationships:
1.) What purpose does God intend relationships to serve in my life?
2.) What should they look like?
Many books on relationships will point you in as the authors like to say a "horizontal" direction. They quote Miroslav Volf who BEGAN with God to come to his conclusion about the essence of being human, check it out:
"Because the Christian God is not a lonely God, but rather a communion of three persons, faith leads human beings into the divine communio. One cannot, however, have a self-enclosed communion with the Triune God-a "foursome", as it were-for the Christian God is not a private deity. Communion with God is at once also communion with those others who have entrusted themselves in faith to the same God. Hence one and the same act of faith places a person into a new relationship both with God and with all others who stand in communion with God."
You see, what the authors are pounding home, or as I like to say "the drum they are beating" is THEOLOGY. You might be scratching your head wondering how the heck theology affects your marriage or your relationship with your boss, but here's how the authors put it:
"We see theology as a systematic study of religious thought that has little to do with everyday life. But RIGHTLY (emphasis mine) understood, theology is the real life story of God's relationship to us and our relationship to one another lived out in a broken world"
Every single one of us could call ourselves a theologian and be 100% correct in that claim, because we practice some type of theology every day, the question then becomes, "What kind of theologian are you?"
What you believe about the world around you acts as a type of lens that you use to interpret not only your own life but the relationships you engage in. As believers we know that we were made in the image of God, therefore we CAN NOT even (or should not) discuss the nature of human relationships without thinking about the nature of God, and we can't do that without going to the source of the information about His nature, His word, the bible. The authors remind us that God is three persons in one, and that this is the foundation for our understanding what it means to be made in the image of God AND be fully human. Jesus prayer in John 17:20-26 shows the way the Bible connects God's nature to ours and His purpose for us:
"Neither for these alone do I pray [it is not for their sake only that I make this request] but also for all those who will ever come to believe in (trust in, cling to, rely on) Me through their word and teaching, That they may all be one, [just] as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be one in Us, so that the world may believe and be convinced that You have sent Me. I have given to them the glory and honor which You have given Me, that they may be one [even] as We are one: I in them, and You in Me, in order that they may become one and perfectly united, that the world may know and [definitely] recognize that You sent Me and that You have loved them [even] as you have loved Me. Father, I desire that they also whom You have entrusted to Me [as your gift to Me] may be with me where I am, so that they may see my glory, which You have given me {Your gift of love to me]; for You have loved me before the foundation of the world. O just and righteous Father, although the world has not known You and has failed to recognize You and has never acknowledged You, I have known You [continually]; and these men understand and know that You have sent Me. I have made Your Name known to them and revealed Your character and Your very real Self, and I will continue to make [You] known, that the love which You have bestowed upon Me may be in them [felt in their hearts] and that I [Myself] may be in them"
The authors narrowed it down to three different types of relationship profiles:
The Frustrated Relationship
Both people in the relationship are moving towards the opposite ends of the continuum.
Example: This couple are planning a vacation together, one is packing books, the other is filling their schedule with activities to do together. One will feel smothered, the other will feel neglected. Both will have their expectations frustrated, each one thinks their felt needs are important which leads to anger and possibly bitterness...
The Enmeshed Relationship
Both people in the relationship are moving toward immersion.
Example: This couple takes a vacation together but doesn't interact with anyone on the trip. They don't meet anyone new, they spend every waking moment together. They are completely dependent on each other for their happiness and well being. Much of their energy is spent dealing with minor offences, real or perceived and because their expectations can never be completely fulfilled in each other they feel discouraged because no matter how hard they try they can never measure up to the other persons expectations.
The Isolated Relationship
Both people in the relationship move toward isolation.
Example: This couple vacations together but separate. They would each read different books, possible plan separate excursions, and when they did come together there would be very little conversation. Their desire for isolation crashes into their desire for relationship which makes their relationship empty and disappointing.
My sister has a saying she is constantly quoting: Expectations minus reality equals disappointment
Our expectations are too high. We expect mere men to fill what I always call the God shaped hole in us. We fill that hole with relationships (mostly) but people have been plugging that hole with all kinds of things for years. Nothing fits, only God.
The authors ask you (and me) to ask these questions when evaluating our relationships:
1.) What purpose does God intend relationships to serve in my life?
2.) What should they look like?
Many books on relationships will point you in as the authors like to say a "horizontal" direction. They quote Miroslav Volf who BEGAN with God to come to his conclusion about the essence of being human, check it out:
"Because the Christian God is not a lonely God, but rather a communion of three persons, faith leads human beings into the divine communio. One cannot, however, have a self-enclosed communion with the Triune God-a "foursome", as it were-for the Christian God is not a private deity. Communion with God is at once also communion with those others who have entrusted themselves in faith to the same God. Hence one and the same act of faith places a person into a new relationship both with God and with all others who stand in communion with God."
You see, what the authors are pounding home, or as I like to say "the drum they are beating" is THEOLOGY. You might be scratching your head wondering how the heck theology affects your marriage or your relationship with your boss, but here's how the authors put it:
"We see theology as a systematic study of religious thought that has little to do with everyday life. But RIGHTLY (emphasis mine) understood, theology is the real life story of God's relationship to us and our relationship to one another lived out in a broken world"
Every single one of us could call ourselves a theologian and be 100% correct in that claim, because we practice some type of theology every day, the question then becomes, "What kind of theologian are you?"
What you believe about the world around you acts as a type of lens that you use to interpret not only your own life but the relationships you engage in. As believers we know that we were made in the image of God, therefore we CAN NOT even (or should not) discuss the nature of human relationships without thinking about the nature of God, and we can't do that without going to the source of the information about His nature, His word, the bible. The authors remind us that God is three persons in one, and that this is the foundation for our understanding what it means to be made in the image of God AND be fully human. Jesus prayer in John 17:20-26 shows the way the Bible connects God's nature to ours and His purpose for us:
"Neither for these alone do I pray [it is not for their sake only that I make this request] but also for all those who will ever come to believe in (trust in, cling to, rely on) Me through their word and teaching, That they may all be one, [just] as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be one in Us, so that the world may believe and be convinced that You have sent Me. I have given to them the glory and honor which You have given Me, that they may be one [even] as We are one: I in them, and You in Me, in order that they may become one and perfectly united, that the world may know and [definitely] recognize that You sent Me and that You have loved them [even] as you have loved Me. Father, I desire that they also whom You have entrusted to Me [as your gift to Me] may be with me where I am, so that they may see my glory, which You have given me {Your gift of love to me]; for You have loved me before the foundation of the world. O just and righteous Father, although the world has not known You and has failed to recognize You and has never acknowledged You, I have known You [continually]; and these men understand and know that You have sent Me. I have made Your Name known to them and revealed Your character and Your very real Self, and I will continue to make [You] known, that the love which You have bestowed upon Me may be in them [felt in their hearts] and that I [Myself] may be in them"
The authors point out that at the moment Christ knew He was going to be crucified, when He prays for the people, He prays for the unity of the people. His heart for us is to experience the same type of community with each other AND God.
If you look back at Christ's prayer for us His words are "I have given them the glory and honor which YOU have given ME." but what's the reason for that bestowment?
The bigger picture is that the WORLD might know, might know what?
That Jesus was sent here, for US and that God loved Him and US before the foundation of the world.
What happens though, is sin cuts us off from each other AND God.
When we isolate ourselves, when we self-protect or when we immerse ourselves in the other person, when we smother them because we feel like we cant live without them, or we act like we need absolutely no one in our lives (I'm gonna go live on a mountain in silence) all of these attitudes reflect a heart that is loving their fellow man too little or too much, but not loving God enough. To exist within a true community, the way God designed it to work, you have to first have communion with Him.
From birth we are dependent upon relationships with others, and even as we grow and mature we seek out others for companionship and friendship. It is when our feelings get hurt that we isolate, or we over involve ourselves in the lives of others that there is a problem. The authors point out that we can never escape who God designed US to be, this relational characteristic is central to who we are, and can lead us to DO great good or great evil. This was demonstrated simultaneously on 9/11 as both terrorism and heroism took place in the same community.
When we allow hurt, and disappointment to cause us to withdraw and isolate rather than face the pain and disappointment, we are, in a sense denying our humanity.
We are denying the community we were created to live in, a God shaped community. The popular movie "The Fault in our Stars" had this quote, "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." But God days it like this: "Although He was a Son, He learned [active, special] obedience through what He suffered."
We still live in a state of co-existence between sin and grace, so we can relate to Paul when he cries out, "O wretched man that I am" in Romans 7. John Calvin said it like this:
"For errors can never be uprooted from human hearts until a true knowledge of God is planted therein."
It starts when we get our theology right, recognizing that our RIGHT relationship with God will lead to right relationships with those around us. Or as Elisabeth Elliott so simply put it, "What does love do?"
XOXO
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