Hebrews 12:1 encourages us with these words "Therefore" SINCE we are surrounded with SO great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth] let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active and persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us..."
The woman you are about to meet is doing that. She found herself struggling with same sex attraction in her twenties and early thirties and she is a believer. She was a believer when she was struggling and she is a believer now. She is an amazing woman of God and I am excited that she has agreed to share her story with us. This will not be a "typical" blog (not that any of mine are) but it will be conducted in an interview format. She will be telling us how her friendship with another Christian woman developed into something sinful, how she believes she came to "be" that way, and how by God's grace she was delivered.
My UTMOST prayer is that YOU will be blessed by this, and that YOU will find victory as you seek to "strip off and throw aside every encumbrance and unnecessary weight and that sin that so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles you" and that you REMEMBER that YOU are surrounded by SUCH a great cloud of witnesses.
So tell us how an acquaintance between two Christian women developed into something you knew was sinful.
We were on the praise team of our church together. One night after practice there was a discussion about a popular animated movie. A woman in the group had recently watched this particular movie with her child and began describing the more adult themes that had been creeping into the children's movies from this company that she thought were no longer appropriate for children. Suddenly the room was divided into camps. Those who agreed with the recent boycott of this animator of these children's films and those who did not. It was at this point that Helen spoke up, "These movies are no longer child or family oriented." I nodded and then spoke in agreement which formed a "jumping off" point for us to begin to deepen our acquaintance into a friendship.The opportunity came a few weeks later when Helen invited me to attend a Christian concert in a nearby city. As the date for the concert approached I found that I was nervous, but I could not pin point the reason why. I didn't know her very well, but the concert was an opportunity to clear that up. As we drove in to the concert we chatted and discovered that as children we had attended the same dance class. She knew "of" me and had somehow developed the opinion that I was "popular" and maybe a little snobby. I was blown away that she could be so transparent with someone she barely knew. We became closer after that night, and even though we came from very different backgrounds, we shared many common interests, which strengthened our new bond of friendship.
Fast Forward~
The first time a touch from Helen prompted a sexual response from me I was shocked at just how strong the sensations were. Rather than do what I KNEW to do (flee, confess to my Lord Jesus and repent) in my naivete I shared with Helen what I had experienced. I had no way of knowing if she might also struggle with the same feelings I did, and as time progressed the physical touches between us increased. We were quickly moving beyond the realm of friends. We became inseparable.
Do you think your friends or family noticed what was going on with you and Helen at the time?
I'm not sure. I know that there were many comments made about our relationship; things like "You two fight like a couple" and "You two are joined at the hip". Those types of comments we explained away easily as being "best girl friends".
Did you ever feel burdened by what was going on with Helen? The duplicity of it all?
My life was very busy during this time. I was teaching class, I was active in bible study, I was active in a church sports league, I had an active family life and I was actively involved in the church. During this same time I was actually approached by several men, two of which asked to enter into biblical courtship with me. The burden of my double life was weighing heavily on me. In the quiet moments though when I was still the weight of my sin was crushing me. I KNEW I was a huge hypocrite. I was a Pharisee. I was wearing this crazy mask. Here I was proclaiming that you should wait until marriage to become intimate with your spouse and holding high the banner of sexual purity, all the while I was gratifying my flesh with my wicked desires. I was enslaved and I knew it. YET: I kept pointing others towards the truth. One author in particular, Elisabeth Elliott, whose stand for purity and waiting for marriage I valued, whose truths I espoused and modeled;(at least outwardly). Yet here was this flesh, which had grown so powerful in exacting its way over me, and I dared not deny or expose it. This sin had taken root in my heart and had become an escalating abomination in my life. What once was just a simple temptation I could have easily walked away from, now had now become a ravenous beast which captured me and imprisoned me in a dungeon where the beast patrols day and night.
In my heart of hearts I knew the relationship was wrong, but I had emotional ties to Helen, and I knew I did not have the strength to sever them. I could not imagine my life without her. So I did nothing, even though I knew exactly what I needed to do. Yet, even in this failure, God is good to us and brings about events to expose our sin. He promises to expose those things done in darkness, and He did.
Psalm 91:3 says He WILL deliver you from the snare of the fowler.
Take comfort if you find yourself trapped and you feel hopeless today. There is an escape, sometimes it is darkest before the dawn. Sometimes there is a lot of ugly to get out of the way before the beauty can be revealed, but hey...He's given me beauty for my ashes....I'll make that trade any day...you with me? Tune in for the rest of the story...
XOXO
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