Sunday, November 17, 2013

Doug Phillips and the Other Woman

Some friends of ours came over for dinner last week, as I was throwing the last bits of our meal together and we were chatting about the week’s events, the husband said, “Oh, did you hear about Doug Phillips?” I had not. He then informed me that Mr. Phillips had revealed that he had been involved in an affair, which had apparently gone on for years. I have been reading the news and blogs ever since.


My heart is broken, both for Mr. Phillips and for this woman.


You see, if this woman worked with Mr. Phillips or was shepherded by Mr. Phillips then there is just no way you can classify this as any kind of affair. I hope you will take a few moments to read about clergy sexual abuse here

As I read Mr. Phillips “repentance” and his “clarification” of his repentance” I was struck with how similar he sounded to the man who abused me. Let’s call him SS. I found it quite ironic when I began to write this that this man’s actual initials are SS and that those letters together are synonymous with the Gestapo, Hitler and death, but I digress…

I noted that Mr. Phillips was thankful for the love and support he received for his own family and asked for continued prayers, yet no mention for prayers for this woman and her family, whoever they might be. I also noted that no apology was made to this woman or her family. Now before you say I am being mean, let me just say that Mr. Phillips took this into the public arena by posting his letter of resignation on the Vision forum website. In part, here is what he said: 

“There has been serious sin in my life for which God has graciously brought me to repentance. I have confessed my sin to my wife and family, my local church and the board of Vision Forum Ministries…. Where I have directly wronged others, I have confessed and repented. I am still in the process of trying to seek reconciliation privately with people I have injured and to be aware of ways in which my own selfishness has hurt family and friends.

And here is his clarification of his repentance in full: 

“I would like to express my gratitude for the great kindness so many have shown to my family in the wake of my stepping down as president of Vision Forum Ministries. My family has been greatly encouraged by many loving notes we have received. With that in mind, I want to be so very clear abot the rightness of this transition, and I want to clear up some matters which have been brought to my attention. My sin has resulted in great pain within the Body of Christ, some confusion, and has given the enemies of God reason to rejoice. This is heartbreaking to me. Some have suggested that my sin was not sufficiently serious to step down. Let me be clear: it absolutely does merit my resignation. My resignation is sincere and necessary given the weightiness of my sin. Some reading the words of my resignation have questioned if there was an inappropriate physical component with an unmarried woman. There was, and it was intermittent over a period of years. The local church, not the Internet, is the proper forum for overseeing the details of a man’s repentance, but I just want to be clear for the sake of peace within the Body of Christ, that the tragic events we are all experiencing, including the closing of Vision Forum Ministries are my fault, and that I am sincere that I should not be in leadership, but must spend this season of my life quietly walking a path of proven repentance. Please pray for the Phillips family, the Board and the men who have made up the staff of Vision Forum Ministries.”


Reading through his statements, and then through the blogs of people who previously attended his church (hereis a good one) increased my “ick” factor for the man, but my heart remains broken that THIS happens in the Body of Christ, with the men we trust to shepherd our souls.

My heart was naïve when I joined Cornerstone Bible Church in 1998. I believed ALL Christians were like me, as my daughters say, I did “all of the things” I thought I was supposed to DO as a believer. I walked through those doors, shiny and new and full of hope; I left tarnished angry and yes bitter.

That was then, that is NOT who I am today, but it has been a l-o-n-g road from there to here. And My God allowed ALL of it. To reveal MY sin, to reveal his.

There was sin on both parts. There IS culpability on both sides. That being said you cannot in good conscience call what happens between a Pastor and a congregant an affair, because there is an imbalance of power. Even if the woman were to throw herself at Mr. Phillips, he, as a man of God (though not ordained, something else he shares with SS) he is STILL more accountable than SHE; because of his position.

I remember the FIRST time I got that nagging feeling about SS. He invited me over to work on bible study questions for a ladies bible study group I was leading and his wife was in NOLA visiting her parents. As my husband pulled into their driveway to drop me off, I asked him to stay, or to let me reschedule, I voiced my concerns, and he told me I was being silly, this was after all our PASTOR. This was the FIRST time SS said things to me that were inappropriate and I never said a word to anyone because he couched it in such a way that I felt sorry for him and special that ~I~ could help.

I pray this woman gets the help she needs quickly and that Mr. Phillips is brought to his knees in true humble repentance.

I’m still waiting for that day of true humility from SS. The last thing we received from him was a carefully crafted letter where his apology was once again vague and he once again tried to shift the blame towards me. He stated in his letter that he was grateful that we had never crossed the line and had sex, like that was ACTUALLY ever gonna happen. My husband and I laughed it off but just for a moment I wondered if my husband could actually believe that was ever a real possibility as I remembered  SS’s very real threat that he would destroy my marriage. I wasn’t the only person damaged by SS, and until he makes things right with ALL of the people he damaged, this will never really be over.

What I do know is this:

God is merciful and gracious and He renews and restores.

This woman, whoever she is, WILL recover and she WILL heal. She may not realize it now, but some day she will look back and she will be THANKFUL for where she is, for where she has been because God Almighty brought her through it.

Isaiah 43:2-3 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers and they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you, For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, YOUR SAVIOR.”



XOXO





5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gail,
I have been wanting to comment on this post, but somehow couldn't come up with the right words to express my feelings. You see we know SS and knew about how he was forced out of his church, but didn't know why. We were invited to worship at a local business where SS was "having church" after he was ousted. We were led to believe it was something to do with money and receiving pay while not working? The family who invited us was very devoted to Doug Phillips and his ministry (i.e. woman/girls should wear dresses, all families should homeschool, girls should not go to college but be under the leadership of their father until marriage, sons should train to work in the trade of their father, etc., etc.,). I'm not suggesting any of these things are bad (well except for the girls being prevented from going to college), however I felt like we were being judged somewhat for not complying with these things and more than that they thought of us as being "less Christian". Funny how we all like to have our principles that we not only stand on, but want to dig our heals in the ground and not budge on. Like this same family felt perfectly okay with serving alcohol to people for a profit. I'm not saying that makes them bad people, but I am saying that this is a perfect example of how when you start to judge people on such ridiculousness, you start to look... well ridiculous and lose all credibility. Fortunately for us we did not continue our involvement with these people. However shortly after this, our family was "recruited" by a pastor of another local small church. He wanted us to partner with him to rebuild his church after Katrina. We thought this was a very exciting opportunity and felt like God was leading us in this direction. Retrospectively it was our own need for close Christian relationships and maybe even the good feelings we got with all the flattery we received from this pastor and not about God at all. Pretty sad when I think about it and am honest with myself. We agreed as a family to partner with this pastor for one year and then revisit whether we would continue or go back to our mega church where we did not feel part of a warm and fuzzy church family. During this period of time we were wined and dined by the pastor, given many compliments about what a wonderful family we were. It was an adventure and one that we were active participants in. In that time I saw this pastor spare no expense on himself and family. His wife had a housekeeper, weekly pedicures, massages, constant shopping trips, and never cooked. His kids had all the best toys and private school. We soon found out that he had a 6 figure second job. His pastor job allowed him significant tax breaks. All that income and he had no health insurance for his family. He had the nerve to have his children on LA Blue Chip insurance for people who don't earn enough money to obtain insurance for their children. He falsifies his tax returns, he flirts with woman and is a pathological lier. He almost ruined us financially. This man still pastors a church locally. I'm afraid there are several in the ministry like Doug Phillips, SS, and this man. What we have to keep in mind is that they are just people - period - the end. They shouldn't be like this, but they are. They are sinners just like the rest of us and they shouldn't be in a position of authority, but they are. It is our responsibility to use the gift of discernment, the Holy Spirit, that Christ has given to all believers, to not allow ourselves to continue to be under the authority of these wolves in sheep's clothes.

Gail said...

Dear Anonymous,
I appreciate your taking the time to comment and I am so glad you found the words to express yourself. I am not surprised that people were told parts of the story in an attempt to make himself look better after he was “ousted”. It didn’t have to be that way btw, he was given chance after chance to do the right thing, and he refused. I have tried, and failed, for years to find the right words for how SS manipulated me. Reading the stories of other survivors has given a voice to what I thought would always be silenced by my shame.
I too, while not completely sold out to the idea, was involved with the, let’s call it the “fringes” of the Patriarch movement. I wore the long dresses; at the suggestion of SS I refused to allow my daughters to participate in basketball (a manly sport) and the like. Here’s the deal though, Romans 14 is all about the weaker brother, which was me when I was wearing the longer dress, and adhering to things that just aren’t there in the Scriptures. We, as believers have to STOP doing that to one another.
Finally, I would like to encourage you to put this other pastor on "front street", whoever he is. Jen Epstein, http://jensgems.wordpress.com/2013/11/19/open-letter-to-chalcedon-foundation-regarding-its-defense-of-doug-phillips/

a former member of Doug Phillips’ church spent years blogging about this man and was not surprised to find out AT ALL that he was involved in a relationship with a woman, because she attended his church, she knew him, and knew what kind of spiritual abuse he had heaped upon her family and what he was capable of.

I beseech you to do expose him.

Yes, we are all sinners, yes, as believers it is our responsibility to use the gift of discernment, but if YOU know the truth and do not warn others, you have become part of the problem. You are allowing shiny, new excited believers to walk through those doors and be tarnished by the sin of a greedy, sinful, shameful man.

Can God use this in their lives? Of course He can…but maybe He is calling YOU to do something bold, to be brave to lose your fear of man and out this wolf before he devours one more sheep…you know what to do, I trust you will, I’ll be praying thus and if you want to talk more you know you can always contact me privately, my email is on the blog as well…xoxo

Gail said...

Dear Anonymous,
After reading through my earlier comment, both my husband and a friend recommended that I make this addition to the previous, since I jumped to the presumption that you and your family before leaving the church (where this man still pastors today) had followed Matthew 18 protocol.

My husband’s comment verbatim was, “Babe, you can’t suggest this person drag this man into the street and expose him unless they have gone through Matthew 18.” My friends comment was similar. Both of them reminded me that I was presuming, probably because of the emotional nature (for me) of this topic, that you had already done so.

So, *takes a deep breath* if you have not confronted this man in any way, I recommend that you and your family do so in accordance with Matthew 18. I will be praying if you have not already done so that he will repent and make right the many wrongs he has done, but if he refuses I will pray you have the strength to expose him for what he is to protect the sheep who may wander into his fold.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

Gail,
Thank you for your concern. No worries as proper protocol was followed and while we no longer attended this church, ties were not completely cut off between this man and my husband which eventually caused a bigger problem and much stress for our family. This man is a master manipulator and he tried to drag my husband down with him. Fast forward and all ties have been severed. This was the only way, we had no other choice. He is like a bad virus that you do not want to come into contact with and to expose him would require eventual contact. We are just not prepared to do that right now. Maybe in time, God's time, the right opportunity will present itself.

Gail said...

Dear Anonymous~
I completely understand your unwillingness to have anything to do with this man ever again. But you said, “He is like a bad virus that you do not want to come into contact with…”

Fortunately for me, when I came into contact with a “bad virus” I had many friends and supporters who helped eliminate that “virus” from the position he held as an authority, at least as an elder in the church. I COMPLETELY understand where you all are, and am not judging your decision. I will be praying for those who wander into this man’s snare, unaware, and that God will, in His timing expose Him. Thank you for your comments. xoxo