Be Thankful Ya"ll

‘Tis the season to be thankful ya’ll~

When my five year old nephew came to live with us, we had no place to “put him” ‘cause our house is pretty full, but we squeezed him into one of the rooms. Three bedrooms, two baths, eight bodies. Then I remember our recent trip to Miles Branch Settlement, and how sometimes 11 (or more) people shared one room with a loft.

I am thankful.

When we all have to get ready to go somewhere, and all eight of us are clamoring for two bathrooms, I remember that my husband is faithfully working on our addition .I remember when it is finished we’ll have four bedrooms and three bathrooms.

I am thankful.

Watching my daughters with my nephew reminds me that many years of discipline (for me and for them) went into the shaping and molding of their characters, and I realize that someday they will make great parents.

I am thankful.

My son (who will soon be 21) is about to embark on a life away from me, thinking about it makes me nervous, and I find myself praying more and more for him, wanting to hug him one more time…then I remember the promises made in God’s Word and I know that he was trained in the “way he should go” and he is never too far from the Fathers watchful eyes.

I am thankful.

I have a husband who adores me who looks at me with a sparkle in his eye, who would gladly give me the world and everything in it if I needed it (not just wanted, cause I can be a covetous creature) and I remember a time when we barely spoke to one another.

I am thankful.

When my pastor preaches from the Word of God and I am convicted of sin, or I find myself challenged to grow and when I read it myself and find I need to study more to truly grasp the meaning of a passage I remember there are some who don’t have the Word of God, whose lives are shrouded in darkness…

I am thankful.

What are you thankful for?

I’d love to “hear” from ya’ll…

And ya’ll?

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

The Doctrine of "Clean Hands"

I have a secret.



I am a fan of Judge Judy.


I don’t always agree with the way she speaks to her litigants, but usually I find her counsel to be right on, her mini lectures timely.



I sometimes watch with my mouth slightly agape as I listen to the excuses people give for not taking responsibility for their own actions.

My favorite cases though, are the ones when the plaintiff is suing the defendant and the plaintiff has broken the law. The marijuana dealer who felt some of the money from sales was missing, the underage drinker who assigned a designated driver who was also drinking and wrecked their car, the driver with a suspended license who has a fender bender, and sues the person from whom they borrowed the car.

Their justifications amaze me

Each time a case like this appears before Judy, she invokes a doctrine in the law called “the clean hands doctrine”. Simply put, the doctrine states if you have broken the law, even a small portion of the law you can not appeal to the court to make a wrong right for you. Even if the other person is guilty as….sin.

It got me thinking.

About that parable of the servant who was forgiven a large debt and then when out and found his friend who owed him a small debt and demanded his friend be put into prison.
How can ~I~ who am guilty of so much go to court and demand that the wrongs (real or imagined) against me be made right?

It is ludicrous.

But I try.

When my attitude towards my fellow man gets self righteous I know I am guilty.

Any time I place myself a little higher than my sisters or my brothers (by thinking I have mastered an area of temptation) in my mind, when I scornfully think to myself I would never do XYZ, when I am annoyed by the behavior of another bumbling Christian (another meaning I am one too) when I harbor bitterness rather than confront inappropriate behavior I am guilty.
I have not arrived, I won’t until I draw my last on THIS earth…wanna know a secret?

My hope is not built on MY behavior…it is built upon the solid rock of Christ.

That means, when I stand before the judgment seat accused my hands will at last be clean, because He made them clean by washing them and me in the cleansing blood of His atoning sacrifice.


MY hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus blood and sacrifice, cause when I am weighed in the balance, I come up lacking, but His blood covers me so that not my deeds but His are judged.

Sometimes the weight of that knowledge leaves me crushed, because I know how wicked I am, but the worst is realizing that my heart is deceitful and so I can never truly understand the depths of my own wickedness.
I don’t dwell nearly enough on what was done for me, if I did, I think maybe I would not be so quick to bring others into court.


I pray that God grants me more humility, more understanding of my own wickedness, more of Him and less of me, an ability to rest in the knowledge that He said, “It is finished” and the strength to live like I know it.

Eternal Purposes

A friend of mine recently sent me a series of e-mail conversations she and I had shortly after the emotional affair with my pastor was revealed.



As I read through the exchanges I realized I've changed...some of it has been for the better…and some not so much...




Today, I understand in a way I never could have then, that there is not a single thing I can do to earn favor with God.



I can not read His word enough, I can not memorize enough scripture, I can not do enough good, I can not do anything that will please Him. All of my motives are tainted by the sin that remains in me and will remain in me until I draw my last breath.



I am acutely aware of my need for grace, and equally aware that there was and is nothing I can do to earn that grace. Isn’t that what grace is?


Our Pastor was on vacation recently, and in his absence a seminary student filled his pulpit. His sermon was both comforting and convicting.


It was a reminder that grace is all about God and has nothing to do with us.


The sermon was based on Judges 13.


It was pointed out that throughout Judges, the Israelites would promise to obey, fall head long into their sin, suffer judgment from God for their sin and cry out for mercy from that judgment. God would hear, and deliver them from their afflictions, only to have the cycle repeat itself all over again.


In Judges 13 the cycle is different. The people were savoring their sinful state, comfortable in their captivity, and bored in their bondage.


They were oblivious to their need…yet God provided for them in Samson.


Have you been there? Are you there now? That place where you know you are bound by sin and have stopped asking for help? Have you just accepted that THIS is how it is? Have you become comfortable with the captivity and sought to make the best of it? Have you thought to yourself, “It’s not so bad”?


I know what that is like. I know what it is like to give up. To lie in the cords and think, “They are not as tight as I thought they were going to be.” I know what it is like not to cry out for deliverance. I know what it is like to foolishly believe there will be no consequences. Every single day I am affected by the events that unfolded at our previous church.


I see it in the way I now study God’s word. I see it in the way I refuse to share what God has shown me in His word. I see it in the way I no longer pray out loud, unless it is with my family. I see it in the way I avoid eye contact with men. I see it in the way now communicate with men. I see it in the way I shield myself from developing more than surface relationships with the women around me.


These are the things that have changed about me these are the things that are different.



I take comfort in the knowledge that even in these changes He is at work. I may not recognize it; I may not ask for it, I may be oblivious to my need, but He always provides for me.


The Israelites were in bondage to the Philistines and content in their captivity. They didn’t ask for deliverance. They accepted that “THIS” was how things were.



God sent them a deliverer in Samson.


He was not a perfect man, but neither was David, but BOTH men are PERFECT examples of REAL Christianity.


What comforts me now is this knowledge:


Imperfect men found grace in the eyes of the giver of that grace. I am comforted that there were some, who were not even aware of their need, some which had become comfortable in their sin.


Through all of it I remember Romans 15:4 which tells me ALL of it was written for two specific purposes:


MY instruction AND encouragement.


That e-mail exchange I mentioned in the beginning of this blog contained a quote that I sent my friend to help her understand where my heart was, right then. Funny how the years have passed and I am STILL moved to tears as I read this quote:


“Pray this year you may grow downward, that you may know more of your own vileness, more of your own nothingness, and so be rooted in humility. Pray that your roots may penetrate below the mere top soil of truth to the great rocks that underlie the uppermost layer, so that you may grasp the doctrines of eternal love, God's unchangeable faithfulness, complete satisfaction, union with Christ, and the eternal purpose of God. These deep things of God will yield a rich abundant sap, and your roots will drink from the hidden fountains of the “deep that lieth under." (Gen. 49:25)


This growth of your roots will be a growth that will not add to your frame or your vanity, but will be invaluable during the storms of life. It will be a value of which no heart can conceive when the hurricane is tearing up the hypocrite and hurling into the sea of destruction the "trees whose fruit withered, without fruit, twice dead, plucked up by the roots." (Jude 12)


Oh may I be steadfast in pursuing His instruction, and may He continue to encourage me as I seek Him, AND especially when I don’t...

Balanced Between

I have four children in high school, one in college and one in kindergarten.

Four of those children I had the privilege of giving birth to and raising them from an early age in a way that was very unlike the way I had been raised. I was not raised “badly” but I was not raised to depend on Christ. Many of the principles I was taught are found in Christianity, but there are many that are not.

There is one I put on a shelf after I became a Christian, because at the time I was being taught that to be a Christian means to turn the other cheek, to not speak your mind, to allow people to take advantage and realize that through all of it you are suffering for Christ.


I have since learned that it is ok to say, “Hey! That hurt my feelings!” or “That was inappropriate” to whatever was spoken or done. I credit the teaching of Dr. Wayne Mack and his study “Fear Factor” in helping me to see the difference between fearing man and fearing God between living to please man and living to please God.

I still struggle with not addressing people, with not calling those people out in love, with allowing some unkind word or deed to be ignored, but I have gotten better.

My goal is to teach my children what it took me over forty years to learn.

You don’t have to be the baddest kid on the playground, but neither do you have to be the object of their scorn. You don’t have to defend yourself with harsh words and fists, but neither to you have to excuse the behavior of someone who is clearly out of line.

The common theme I see running through all of Scripture is BALANCE.

When Jesus was arrested, Peter loped off an ear of one of the arresting officers, and Jesus healed him. The scriptures say, “He touched his ear and healed him.” He chided Peter saying, “Put up thy sword into the sheath: the cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?” Earlier that evening though, He told the disciples to be sure they had swords, in fact what He said was, “But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.”

Hardly sound’s like some of the ‘turn the other cheek’ and ‘answer not a word’ I was taught when I was savedand hungry to DO everything I THOUGHT God wanted me to DO, and OH how badly I wanted to do.

That’s not a bad thing by the way…wanting to DO for Him Who has done so much…

But as in all things there is balance…there must be.

We are called to confront in LOVE those who offend us...brothers, sisters, those whom we know claim Christ as their own. We are called to be respectful to the authorities that have been placed over us...teachers, police men, our President.Some of those authorities may call Christ their own, some may not, however, our response to them is to be respectful.

Recently, one of my daughters was in class at school and this particular class is the last class of the day. The students and the teacher are tired, and ready to escape the school for more relaxing activities, but they have one more hour to go. On this particular day the teachers nerves had been s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d to the limit. So when she passed out papers to the students and did not give instruction, my over-achieving daughters hand shot up in the air and she asked, “What are we supposed to do with these papers?” She was not being funny (she is NEVER funny about school work, her report card has nothing under a 98) she was not being sarcastic (she needs instruction so she can attack the task at hand) she was truly inquiring “what do I do with this paper” so that she could DO it. Her teachers reply was, “I don’t care what you do with that paper, you can wipe your butt with it for all I care” and the TEACHER lapsed into sulky silence. My daughters cheeks flamed as the words were flung at her and as her hand lowered she sat there confused and stung by the harshness of the words in reply to what she perceived to be an obvious request. The over taxed teacher did not stop there because when she began to speak again she lumped my daughters question into a litany of complaints she had against the general student population. “ I am so sick of blah, blah, blah…” which only deepened the crimson stain spreading on my daughters cheeks.

When she climbed into my van at the end of the day I could SEE that something was wrong with her. I inquired, and her lip began to tremble as she tried to avoid the conversation. I pushed, and the whole story tumbled out. I wanted to turn the van around and go confront this woman IMMEDIATELY. I was angry. I also realized I won’t always be here to defend my daughter and doing it in anger would not help the situation.

As my daughter and I talked we realized the best thing to do was confront the teacher. The question then became, who. Me or my daughter who was frightened. We decided it should be her. F.O. M (fear of man) is never a reason not to DO what we know we should. So, with her marching orders and a time limit I sent her back to school to confront said teacher. If the limit was exceeded (by the end of the school day) then I, mom, would speak to said teacher. (I was much calmer)

That afternoon I picked up a beaming daughter who had respectfully and biblically confronted her teacher. She approached her teacher remembering that hers was the last class of the day, remembering that to teach is a difficult job, and knowing that the teacher was offended by her question. She first apologized for any confusion about her intentions by asking the question, “What do I do with this paper” and then explained her mortification at the response she received, finally she asked the teacher to pull her aside if in the future she has issue with anything she says or does. She made it clear that her intention is to be respectful at all times, but she realizes that she can and will fail in that, for the times she may fail she requested gentleness, not harsh mockery. The teacher never apologized for her behavior, she may never realize her need to, it was a teachable moment. My daughter will be forever changed by it.

Today she turns seventeen, and as a seventeen year old girl she is fast becoming the woman I wish I had been in my younger years…Make no mistake, while I wish I had been a different young woman, I would not trade who I am today to become that woman. I know that HE used all of it to mold me, and for that, I can not despise…She (and her siblings) are living and learning from mine and Andy’s mistakes and so are we.

We are learning that we must live between.

We are walking through this life, holding to the Word of Life, using it as a level to make sure our steps are straight…balanced between legalism and freedom.

The Greater Part of Those

The title for this blog was inspired by a John Calvin quote.

“There are various methods by which God humbles His elect but as the greater part of those who are loaded with afflictions still remain obstinate and rebellious Christ means by persons laboring in burden He means those whose consciences are distressed by their exposure to eternal death and who are inwardly so pressed down by their miseries that they faint. For this very fainting prepares them to receive His grace.”

I find, sadly, that I am STILL part of the “greater part of those who are loaded with afflictions and still remain obstinate and rebellious.”

The afflictions I find myself under are common to man…for the scriptures tell me that NO temptation has seized me except what is common…and He is always faithful to provide away of escape, and even in this (my taking the escape or running head long into the temptation) I find He has prepared the way before me.

Long before the words, “Let there be light” were spoken, before the light was separated from the darkness, He planned for ME.

And yet, I find myself struggling with obstinance and rebellion.

I still sin.

Watching our new dog, Sadie-Belle reminds me that I still have much to learn, and He uses my children and my animals to teach me.

When she is being naughty, Sadie relishes in it. She gnaws happily on shoes, purses, flowers, tablecloths, anything she can get her teeth on. While she is chewing destructively she does not give a single thought to her masters who care for her so lovingly.

The fact that she loves us is without question. When we return home she wriggles, yelps, rubs against our legs and licks us excitedly. She fetches her toys and drops them at our feet so we can play with her, she lays contentedly by our feet.

Its when she thinks she is alone that she forgets.

When we discover her destruction, she shies away from us, she runs to her “room” and gazes at us with downcast eyes, what we call the “hang dog look” and she acts ashamed.

The proof of her disobedience lies all around her, and she flees from it. The thing she once rolled around enjoying, she suddenly despises. She can not distance herself fast enough from the thing she once enjoyed with great gusto.

Shoe straps hanging from her mouth, table cloths adorning her as a cape, she tries to slink away from the evidence, but it clings to her, it surrounds her and she is found guilty.

I have to go to her and physically remove the evidence of her crimes, I have to clean up the mess she has made, I have to comfort her and remind her that she is loved, that WE chose HER.

Like my dog, Sadie, there times I really, really, like my sin. When I am in the midst of it, when I am covered in the filth of it, when I am rolling around in it, I don’t think of the consequences. I have taken my gaze off my master, and I forget.

It is later when I see the mess I’ve made, when I am covered with the evidence of my sin and I hear my name being called, that I try to hide, but there is no place for me to hide.

Psalm 139 tells me: “If I ascend up into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol (the place of the dead), behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning or dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there shall Your hand lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me and the night shall be [the only] light about me, Even the darkness hides nothing from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You.”

This psalm was put to music by Sovereign Grace Ministries. It is a beautiful reminder that His hand is always upon me. He knows, He knew, He planned.

His love hems me behind and before.

The song is called “Your Hand Upon Me.”

He comes to me, while I am filthy with my sin and reminds me of His great love for me. I faint under the shame of it, I want to flee from His presence.

Even in this He prepared….He knew this very thing would be the thing to drive me to repentance. He knew that His mercy and grace would be irresistible, He knew when He called my name I would flee the filth and that He would lovingly remove the evidence of my crimes and make me clean.

He reminds me that HE chose ME.

John MacArthur says, “When I realized that Jesus Christ bore my sins in His own body on the tree, that Jesus Christ who knew no sin became sin for me, when I realized that God laid on Him the iniquity of us all, when I realized that I was redeemed not with corruptible things like silver and gold but with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, when I realized that when I was an enemy when I was hated when I hated God when I was His enemy and when I was against Him and a blasphemer and mocker, in mercy and in love God sent His Son to redeem me. When I understand that the cross takes away ALL my sins, when I understand that His perfect substitutionary atonement covers me with the righteousness of Christ, and when I understand that therefore that heaven is eternally mine, when I understand all that Christ has accomplished that gives me an abiding joy that any trivial passing circumstance of life should not affect.”

MacArthur is absolutely correct.

The reality is that we forget.

In our forgetfulness we pursue the very things that sully us.

Jerry Bridges reminds us in his book, “The Disciplines of Grace” that we MUST live by grace. We MUST remind ourselves daily that the work on the cross was and is finished. When I first heard that MacArthur quote, my heart thrilled…I REMEMBERED…I REALIZED…I BELIEVED.

Whether I have neatly checked off my to do list, or wallowed in the filthiness of the sin that remains, I realize it is finished.

The gospel then becomes something for ME, something daily I need to grasp, daily I need to wrap my mind around it, I realize that it is not something I place on a shelf to “share” with those who need it, because I NEED IT.

Daily I need to be reminded of the price that was paid for me, daily I need to meditate on where I was, where I am and the grace that covers all of it.

He knew what I would do long before I knew, and He chose to clothe me in His own robes of righteousness and give me a place of honor at His table.

When I find myself covered in sin, when I realize again that I have failed, may I fix my gaze firmly on the cross and remember that it is not by works that I have been saved, but by His grace. May that knowledge help me to get up from the mess I have made and walk again by my Masters side, obediently.

I Will Never Be the Same Again

I read the following poem over at my friend Ben Wilson's blog (Marriages Restored) and I literally broke down as I read it.

The Beast

The Beast is in disguise.
You will not know him when he first turns his smile your way.
His face is sweet—his smile, engaging.
He draws you in with his façade of beauty and kindness.
He chooses his victims carefully and never chooses badly.
You must be sweet and kind; naïve and trusting.
You must be damaged and needy; lonely and frightened...
And yet still believe in the inherent goodness of humanity.
Show him your generosity, your compassion and empathy
And he has you. He will take what he wants all the while saying he loves you.
He is a magician with skills beyond Houdini’s…his slight of hand, perfection.
He casts his spell over you making you do things you’d never dreamed you’d do.
His love is a smoke screen…it is not real.
And when he has gotten what he wants he’ll twist you up in a thousand knots
Until you’re in so much pain you have no choice but to find a place to hide
And lick your wounds.
He has taken it all: your heart, your soul, your belief in everything--
And left you empty except for the shame.
Then the beast moves on to find his new victim
And smiles.


She captured the emotions I have felt and still feel since the man I used to call "pastor" violated my soul. It is a hard thing to describe, this thing called clergy abuse, but I can tell you I will never be the same again.

You feel as though the whole thing is YOUR fault, and while you hold a certain degree of responsibility, YOU are not the one to blame.

A man, claiming to have God's will and your best interests at heart, entered the sheep fold and mutilated one (or more) of the sheep.

He disguises himself well.

Once you have encounterd him, you will never be the same again. The song is one we used to sing at that church, during worship. It has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

What he meant for evil, the Lord has used for good in my life.

There are still places where the wounds have not healed, places that have become infected, places that cry out for the balm of Gilead, things that need to be surgically removed...but I am confident of THIS:

He Who began a good work in me,

WILL be faithful to complete it...in HIS timing, for HIS glory

Pray for me, and others like me that they will receive understanding and support from the Christians that surround them, we (victims of clergy abuse) need to be reminded that it was not our fault, and that there is available to us a full and abundant life AFTER...

...what was meant for evil WILL be used for GOOD

Rejoicing in Reconciliation

As I type this my heart is rejoicing.


As many of you know, shortly after Katrina, we left the church we had been attending since 1999. It was not an easy decision for us. We loved the people, we loved the preaching, and we loved the ministry.



Circumstances beyond all of our control, and long ago arranged by our heavenly father, to shape each of us into the image of His Son, caused our hearts to be troubled.

Those circumstances were devastating, and life altering.

It began when the former pastor exchanged Him who was our glory for an image of himself. He slowly turned our church into a cult as he bent and twisted the Word of God to suit his own selfish desires. The elders that remained had (and have) an enormous task before them.

That is to change the opinion of the community about that church.

When Katrina roared ashore four years ago, devastating our home, we moved in with one of our elders and his family during the rebuilding process. To be sure this was a stressful time for everyone involved. I was still dealing with all of the emotions of being abused by my pastor (you can read about the emotional affair here) having to rebuild my home, and worship in a building where so many hurtful things were spoken and done to me. The normal stressors of living with another family were exacerbated, and grievances were filed.

BOTH families were hurt and BOTH families reacted badly.

Our family “decided” it was time to find another place to worship. In our effort not to be accused of some sinful underlying motive for our decision (as had been applied to every other family who decided to leave under the former pastors tenure) we did what a friend of mine calls, “building paper”.

We took our valid reasons for leaving, and added to them things we had already discussed and forgiven, or things we had never ever mentioned.

It was a hurtful time for all of us.

Our former elders will always hold a special place in my heart of hearts, because it was them who first showed me, in human form, what real mercy and grace was all about, as the ungodly relationship I had with my former pastor was revealed.

When we went out of the doors, metaphorically speaking, we slammed them loudly in the faces of our confused friends. We identified them with the previous pastor and expected them to behave as he had when ever anyone left the church.

We were ready for combat, where there was no need for combat. They never gave us any reason to think they would react like he did, we assumed that they might and then based on that assumption explained our reasons for leaving, fortified with acts that had already been forgiven and should never have been mentioned again.

Everyone had hurt feelings.

Within a few months Andy and I realized that we needed to make things right, though we were sure leaving was the right thing to do, hurting everyone on the way out, and thinking badly of our friends was not. Some apologies were made and while imperfect, a healing had begun.

It has finally come to a glorious end.

There was one heart that was so wounded she could not forgive me. I understood that, because to be honest I struggle with forgiving at least one individual.

As the years crept slowly past, Jehova-Rophe performed His healing work in each of our hearts. In HIS timing reconciliation and peace has finally come between all of us.

The amazing thing to me is that it seems as if no time has passed at all…our friendship is in tact…the love we had in our hearts for one another has burst forth from the soil of hearts watered by God’s amazing grace.

We are all different now, though we are still the same people. God’s grace has been made evident to us in ways we never expected and because of it being made evident through our circumstances we can now point others to the author of that grace,in ways we never could have before.

My sister’s death and the funeral that followed were times of mourning but also a time of rejoicing, for it was at her funeral that my former pastors and my present pastor worked in unison to support myself and my family. They did not come and do the things they did for their own glory, but for the glory of Him whom they call Lord and Master. It is He who placed the love they have for us in their hearts, and Him Who has brought us to this wonderful place of reconciliation.

“Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,” II Corinthians 5:18

Which things are from God?

The promise that if our earthly tent is torn down, we have a heavenly dwelling, that we were prepared for a purpose, the very purpose of being swallowed up by life, i.e. immortality. Realizing that to be at home in the body is to be absent from the Lord. To know that ours is to walk by the faith He has given each of us, not by the things, or circumstances we see with our human eyes. To have as our ambition to be pleasing to Him who made us for His glory. To really grasp that we are new creatures in Christ and that new things are ours through Him.

To understand without a doubt that no matter how often we struggle with sin of any kind we remain victorious, not because of anything WE have done, or could ever do but by the finished work of Christ. He is the only one who could speak the words, “it is finished” and then really finish it, once and for all.

My heart rejoices today, on the anniversary of Katrina, because as I look around, I see with my human eyes tangible, living proof of the God we serve and His ability to take ALL things and use them for our good and His own glory.

Like Thomas, I can look now at what has been done; touch it with my human hands and say, “My Lord and my God!"

My prayer is that one day I will NOT need to see, and I will still believe…

“Jesus said to him, "Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed." John 20:29

What a wonderful anniversary present from an awesome God…