"You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and can not escape; my eyes are dim with grief." Psalm 88:8-9
Those feelings are stirred up in you when someone close to you betrays you, or you feel betrayed.
The authors offer up several situations where people have been sinned against and sin in response. I am going to share with you what happened to me, so that when I came upon this chapter I could not proceed, because I felt to proceed on the blog without actual forgiveness would be hypocritical. So I retreated into silence, prayed, sought guidance and waited.
My father and I have complicated relationship.
After my sister passed away, the communication between us broke down and some ugly things were said about me that can not be unsaid. I thought I handled myself fine, I mean, after all, I have been through quite a long journey with my father, but when I came to this chapter on forgiveness, I hesitated to write. I knew I couldn't really write knowing that my father and I were estranged. I knew I was hurt by his behavior, and really isn't anger born from hurt?
It took me a while to admit I was angry. I knew I was hurt. Saying you're hurt sounds so much better than saying you're angry, doesn't it? The reality though is that out of the seeds of hurt anger is born and from anger unforgiveness finds its fertile soil.
My daughter pointed out to me that I was able to forgive many people, but I was unable to forgive my father. I was quick to point out that I had done nothing to damage the relationship, therefore there was no reason for me to reach out to him. He had not asked forgiveness, so why would I randomly call him and offer it? My excuses were many. As per God's usual way He worked on my heart and I realized I had to forgive my father. To refuse to offer him forgiveness would make me a hypocrite, and like the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35. Reading through those verses in Matthew you will notice that the servant was not seeking forgiveness. It came suddenly upon him, and it was thrust upon him. Unexpected, unanticipated and overwhelming.
Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness.
Many times, in our humanness we choose to get even with those who have hurt us or pretend that their offence didn't affect us rather than offer forgiveness, but when we do this we cause damage in our relationships. When you TRULY forgive someone, your relationship is not only restored to the place it was before the offence it moves farther along the path of maturity. The authors tell us that there are always questions we ask ourselves when we are contemplating forgiveness. They are:
1: How can this relationship be restored and made more meaningful?
2:What does it look like to practice forgiveness?
3:How can I forgive without acting like what they did is ok?
4:Where will I find the desire to forgive or ask forgiveness?
5:What IS forgiveness?
These are the burning questions we all ask in some form or another. The authors tell us that forgiveness is the MOST poorly practiced Christian activity, IF it is truly practiced at all. That sounds harsh, but forgiveness IS or SHOULD be a DAILY thing. Think about how many times a day you are offended, if you're honest, the times you need to actually practice forgiveness will be all day every day. C.S. Lewis said it like this:
" To forgive the incessant provocations of daily life--to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son--how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say our prayers each night, 'Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us' We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God's mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says."
Like the servant in Matthew 18 I was reminded (gently) that my debt was cancelled. How then could I be hurt (angry) over anything? So I let my father know that he was welcome to come to my home for New Years, and I literally told him he had a clean slate. Forgiveness means the slate has been wiped clean. That doesn't mean I have forgotten any of the things that have happened. It's quite remarkable actually. My father and I have been able to speak about things that once I was only able to speak with anger or tears, and he is hearing my heart on these matters. I can only praise God for the change in ME. I continue to pray that my father's heart would be transformed by God's mercy.
When you (or I) forgive we have to choose to absorb the debt, throw away the hurt, and anger associated with the debt and start fresh with that person. Once you truly forgive the emotion is gone. you no longer have the hurt/angry feelings. I know I have mentioned Corrie Ten Boom's testimony on the blog before, but as a reminder you can read it here.
The authors remind us that forgiveness is costly. Absorbing a debt hurts. Mortifying the flesh hurts, slaying our pride hurts. Holding on to unforgiveness hurts more. It damages your soul, it reveals a bitter, cold, unloving heart that perhaps has never experienced God's amazing forgiveness.
Forgiveness can be instantaneous but more often than not it is a process. Peter asked Jesus how many times he MUST forgive, the implication is that there were multiple offences or even the same offence being repeated multiple times *gasp* I agree that forgiving someone for a repeating offence is exhausting, but when I begin to get to exhausted I remember two things. One, I must exhaust the Father, yet He's never removed his mercy from me because of two, Galatians 2:21 I CAN NOT frustrate His grace.
Just because you forgive someone does not mean you forget. The authors unpack an oft misquoted verse for us from Jeremiah 31:34 it is this verse that well meaning Christians use as their "proof text" as to whether you've truly forgiven, because you've forgotten. You'll never forget. You can't help it. Sometimes it will come in a dream, or a song will trigger a memory, or a scent. And God who is Omniscient doesn't forget the way we think of forgetting, He doesn't develop amnesia. The word there is not a memory word but a promise word, it's a covenant word.God is PROMISING us that when we confess our sins, He will not treat us as our sins deserve, but instead will offer us forgiveness. In the same way, as we process our way to forgiveness toward those who hurt us, we may choose to forgive the debt and remember it no more, but that doesn't mean we do not ever speak of it again. There are times you must discuss the offence (as I did with my daughter and others) to seek a resolution, but always be sure that you are doing this in a way that brings redemption and restoration with forgiveness as the end game, not as a way to slander the other person.
Sometimes it feels a little like forgiving people means they get to "sin all over you" or you become a door mat, but really chapter 18 of Matthew addresses what and how confront your brother when he sins against you. When the kids were homeschooled we bought a chart from this company called Doorposts that illustrated the proper steps of how to confront someone who sins against you. I still use it for myself.
Finally, in Romans 12:18 we are told to live at peace with every man as much as we are able. This is encouraging for those times we have forgiven, for those times we have turned the other cheek and we find ourselves in an abusive situation. If you or someone you love is involved with a habitually abusive, unrepentant person, please, seek help. The abusive person needs to be confronted, perhaps you need to separate from them for a while until they can receive counseling for their anger issues. Never put yourself or your children in harms way because you had a bible verse (out of context) pounded over your head, consider the WHOLE counsel of God's Word. If you are being abused TELL someone who can help. There IS help available.
In closing, I think it would be a good thing to review apologies and asking for forgiveness. I think we could all use a refresher.
A.)Husband: "I'm sorry you got so upset when I yelled at you after work today, you know I was stressed out you should have made sure I had a stress free environment to come home to."
Wife: "It's ok"
B.) Husband: "I am sorry for yelling at you. I have no excuse for my behavior. What I did was wrong. Can you forgive me?
Wife: "I appreciate you humbling yourself and apologizing to me, yes, I will forgive you, and I also need to ask you to forgive me for being sarcastic towards you, will you forgive me?"
Notice the difference?
Where there is sin involved there must be a specific confession of that sin. You can not apologize for sin they way you would if you accidentally knocked a cup of coffee onto the floor.
There is only one place to find the strength to forgive and to apologize in the way that God intended you to and it is at the cross, where He covered our sins. He absorbed the debt of ours so that we could absorb the debts of our debtors.
My father has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He does not have a lot of time left in this world, but I pray that He will have an eternity in the next. I am thankful that the Father through the wise words of my daughter and encouraging words of friends pricked my heart to reach out to my father before he departed this world. If you have someone in your life that you have not yet forgiven...re-read the parable of the servant and remember your debts, go and forgive accordingly.
XOXO
2 comments:
This is a beautiful post. I know that God has been glorified by your response of forgiveness to your dad. I pray that your dad (if he doesn't already) will come to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior. I was recently humbled by my 16 year old daughter whose friend recently lied about her and could have potentially gotten my daughter in trouble at school. My daughter, knowing that her friend has been going through some serious emotional problems responded with telling her friend that she loved her and that she forgave her. Upon hearing this I told my daughter that I didn't know how she was able to bring herself to do that. My daughter touched the cross that she was wearing around her neck and told me that was how. Wow, even in my 50's I have so much to learn. Thank you for your post.
Dear Anonymous,
I appreciate your prayers for my father, he still says he is an unbeliever, buy I have hope. We ALWAYS have something to learn. I just told a friend this morning, "growing up is hard" and I too am in my 50's :-)
That term "mortifying the flesh" is not fun either...
Prayers for you as you travel the path He has set before you, and than you so much for visiting the blog and for leaving such an encouraging comment xoxo
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