Face to Face...Almost

As a victim of clergy abuse it has taken me a number of years to “get over” what happened to me. I don’t think I will ever be “over” it but with the Lord’s grace I have begun to heal. I have been through several very dark times. As a believer it was hard for me to process those times. As I have grown and matured, and traveled through mostly unchartered waters, at least for me, and those who love me, I have come to realize that the journey for each survivor is different, yet achingly similar.

When I began to realize my former pastor had those kinds of feelings for me, I put it out of my mind, because really, who thinks their pastor has those kinds of feelings? I thought I was the one who was misconstruing the signs, so when I asked him and he denied it and said he was just acting in a brotherly way, well of course I believed him.

Through the years I have been angry with God for allowing this man to use all of the things I loved to get close to me. He used my love of family, my love of scripture, my love of obedience, and he got into my head in the most methodical and wicked way that I, in my naiveté and desire to please God never saw it coming.

I do not lay all the blame at his feet. I was guilty of idolatry. I longed for the family I did not have growing up. So I allowed his parents to ‘adopt’ me into his. I was always looking to re-create what I never had as a child, not being grateful for what I had in Andy and my own children, not realizing that in them I HAD the family I had always longed for.  I also became a Pharisee as I hungrily kept the letter of the law outwardly, but inwardly my heart was restless, always looking for something more to fill it.

When the relationship was revealed I was told by an outside pastor (not the other elders in the church) that what was happening was an ‘emotional affair’ and I conceded this must be true, but as I learned and read about clergy abuse I discovered the imbalance of power in the relationship made this impossible. He literally milked me for information about my childhood, my marriage, and my bible study habits. I was also good friends with his wife so he would consequently use her to gather information about my private life as well. He was quite obsessed with me. In his apology letter to my husband and me a few years ago he admitted that he ‘pursued me like a wolf on the hunt’. When the relationship ended I grieved the loss of my friends, this pastor and his wife and their children…I was told by everyone they were not my friends, but they had been a huge part of my life for so long. It was like a death, for me at least.

My personality changed dramatically. I became very angry with the Sovereign God Who’d allowed this to happen. He knew what kind of monster this man was yet He’d allowed us to attend his church. I, who had not touched alcohol since becoming a Christian, drank heavily, I, who upon salvation immediately ceased from using profane language, began to use foul speech again. I behaved in a decidedly un-Christ like manner. If not for another survivor, I do not know where I would be today. I called her day or night, drunk or sober crying my heart out and asking WHY???? Not once did she say to me, “Well, you must not be a Christian if you are acting like this in response to this trial” She encouraged me to seek God and not to not turn away from Him, to embrace the pain.

I just wasn’t ready.

My husband encouraged me as well, but he was hurting too…the other elders and members of the church were hurting too…and those elders made sure this pastor was removed from leadership and as far as I know is unable to harm other women, but no one could fix my heart. 

That was something only God could do, in His time.

I have seen the good that has come from this trial in my marriage, in my children, in my family as I have slowly recovered…and I am thankful on the other side, I am still not thankful for the vessel that was used, but I guess that will take time.

The reality is that I AM different now. I am not so trusting. I am not naïve. I always second guess the motives of men. ALWAYS. I am not a good church member, I don’t submit freely to the elders as I once did, I have trouble with certain passages because HE once wielded them inapprotiately. So when I hear my current pastor use them to bolster a certain point red flags fly.

I can say this: as small a victory as this is:

The other day at a basketball game I saw them…my former pastor and his wife. I always thought if I saw them I would march up to them and tell them how they ruined my life, perhaps I would LOUDLY call them out to publically humiliate them. In the past if someone even mentioned their names I would be left in the throes of a terrible depression, sometimes for days. I often feel that they have moved on with their lives as though they do not realize or care what they have done to me or my family or the many others who trusted them as leaders, with no real signs of repentance. 

Yes, my husband and I received a letter, years after and only after his wife and I exchanged letters and I believe God opened her eyes through what I wrote to her. Even then I think he was acting out of self-preservation. I believe a sincere apology would have been followed by letters to the rest of the church members that were damaged by his leadership as well as the elders and the other women who he was involved with, and to my knowledge, to this day, that has not happened, but I digress…

When I saw them, the familiar pit in my stomach was not there, which was odd to me. I silently thanked God and continued to visit with my friends and watch the game, my daughter would mention from time to time what they were doing for instance, they moved from sitting near to us to sitting on the other side of the gym, and they spent a good deal of time looking at us, but I was unusually calm.

A mutual friend, who knew all of us during that time, was sharing her latest bible study nugget. Perhaps that is what made all the difference in my heart that day. Isn't it just like God to do something like that? Those of you who know me know that I always loved Noah’s story. It reminded me that no matter what God always keeps his promises.

Here I was in the gym, the man who had destroyed my trust, feet away and standing between us a woman who knew us both excitedly telling me about Noah and how he was told by God to place pitch on the outside of his ark, and that the pitch was red, and the rich meaning that held to us as believers. As she spoke to me, even though I could see him behind her, he was blurred by my tears, because I was once again reminded that God does indeed keep His promises. Reminding me that God is trustworthy, even if men are not. 

Quite the contrast.

I still struggle, I still have issues, but God’s promises to me are yay and Amen through Christ…I pray that God in His mercy will continue to heal my wounded heart and grant this man true repentance. 

Until then, I'll keep traveling the path He's chosen, and running this race with patient endurance, its all I can do. ;)